Oh no, I’m 30!

So I just turned 30. Holy shit. It kind of hits you… I mean, 30!! Am I where I wanna be in life? Can I still hang out with college girls without being a creep? Dozens of important questions.

As I look at my twenties, I am proud. And I am lost. But as I look toward 35, I’m inspired.

I started my twenties in Bristol, VA, population ~40k, median age 37. I was in college, just freshly learning sarcasm and struggling to eat asian food above spice level 1. Still a virgin and a “momma’s boy,” I knew little of love outside of family, and even less of life in general. My parents’ honorable efforts to shelter me succeeded wildly, and if you met me then you knew instantly I didn’t belong in a small town. So as I look out at the beautiful skyline of San Francisco from the deck of a gorgeous apartment with my dream motorcycle parked in the garage below, as I reminiscent of intoxicating love and paralyzing loss that made me a grown, independent man, and as I remember the wild experiences of Burning Man 2014 – I am proud. I have grown in many ways.

I am a lucky, lucky man, and things could be worse. Way, way worse. But I haven’t yet blossomed. Things could also be better. (Stronger. Faster?) Not because I am greedy for anything or think I don’t have enough. I do, and I still spend all I earn because I don’t care for money or power.

Yet I think everyone should attain their full self-expression; the world would be better off for it. And so much of me is not expressed!! I’m torn between my desire to create great software, my pull toward innovations in hardware & business, and my ever-growing fascination of sexual expression & art. I want to build schools in Africa as much as I want to shoot beautiful pornography in Morocco. That’s not a joke – I want all of the above, and I want them all bad. And so I am lost.

I suppose that’s what 30 is about – finding my path. I’m often jealous of people who find their path by age 25. But me… I can’t stop questioning everything – from the custom of marriage, to the concept of being employed for another 30 years while many others retire by age 30, to being a citizen of just one country (why is country more important than the world??). Perhaps I should try it all – software, hardware, LSD, threesomes, intense studying, pushing my body to be the best it can be, going to places I’ve never been.

I’m not a boy in a small town anymore. But I still feel like I don’t exactly belong. This society, this time period – they’re great. But they’re *a* society, *a* time period, set in *a* place; I constantly feel like I’m outside the bounds. I can’t help but think how different everything will be 100 years from now, and if that new way of life will be better (just like we think today’s way of life is in many ways better than 100 years ago), why not try to find that way of life now? And so I try to find that which transcends time, culture, and geography. Love is one such thing, obviously, and it’s incredible (and hard to find). But how many other things are there? I want to find them. I want to live them. And then I want to be an example that inspires others to seek them. And so looking forward, I’m inspired.

Lastly, I am thankful. I’m hella lucky to have met the people I’ve met. Sometimes, your family is the best thing to happen to you, while your friends drag you down. And sometimes, it’s the opposite – your friends are your reprieve, and your family is the altar for your true self. I’ve lived both experiences in the past decade. There are no rules here; sticking with family can be as damaging as sticking with bad friends. Knowing this is one of the most powerful lessons of life. Don’t be limited by tradition or culture; seek people that make you a better human being from day-to-day, and timely abandon those that do not.

Dirty thirty, here we go!

PS: Stretch goal – finally getting a green card this year! OMG this is taking forever.